Not-So-Happy Holidays

It is common wisdom that the holidays can be a hard time for people.  However, when people say this, what often follows, to describe whom holidays are hard for is, "people without family."

Let's be honest: holidays are hard for people WITH family, too.  Family, for all its good, and sometimes not so good intentions, is stressful.

If you think it's stressful for non-mentally ill persons, multiply that by infinity-squared, and you'll have roughly how it feels for the mentally ill.

Depressives, since that is who this blog is about, in particular, accumulate certain labels within  families.

"She's so lazy, she spends days in bed."

"He's so undependable, every time we have plans, he has to cancel."

"She's such a debby-downer."

"What a glass half-empty guy."

The thing is, as depressives, we aren't generally super fond of our own brains.  Our brains tell us we are worthless, that nobody cares, that if we were to kill ourselves, everyone would be better off.  Our brains, put simply, are not our friends.  If anything, they function as the enemy a good half or more of the time.

This means that anything a family member says?  Even if we know that person is generally bitter or cruel or otherwise not someone we should listen to?  Echoes three to four times as hard in our brains as they will in a non-depressive's.  We already believe all those things about ourselves; being told them just solidifies the belief.

In turn, this means that a person who's depressed is likely to stress for a month if not more about a big family gathering, such as one during the holidays.  The stress turns itself into depression and frustration with ourselves about not being able to handle a "little family affair," which also then spins out into more depression.

Don't get me wrong: I don't believe in letting depressives off the hook for doing things we shouldn't just because we're depressed.  But gossiping about us, or saying mean things to our faces isn't going to make us do the right thing.  It's just going to further convince us of our worthlessness.  If you hear someone talking about the depressive in your family in a way that's not going to be helpful, it's probably a good idea to gently remind the person speaking that the depressive doesn't want to be that way, and likely needs help.

Additional to this, even with the kindest family, depression is isolating.  And isolation at the holidays drives even non-mentally ill persons to self-medicate and engage in other dangerous behaviors.  Depressives, however, are more likely to isolate themselves out of a sense of being unwanted, and then spiral from that sense of being alone.

Honestly, there may be nothing you can do about this.  If the isolation aspect of the illness is bad enough, there might just not be a way to reach the person.  On the other hand, if it's not, a little bit of reaching out goes a long way.  Maybe sitting next to that person at dinner and asking her how she's doing, then really listening.  Or, if you play games where teams are needed, including her in your team.

The happiness of depressives in your family is NOT your responsibility.  But if you love that person, or simply have compassion for them as a person, single instances of kindness and understanding can have considerable impacts when a person is in a bad place, and the holidays are often a time of bad places.  Think on it, on what you want the spirit of your holiday, and the meaning of your family gathering to be.  From there it's up to you.