This may be the most true thing I say in this blog, ever: finding the right therapist is a gigantic pain in the ass, and it sucks. However, while I've known a few remitting-relapsing depressives who are ridiculously high-functioning and who didn't feel the need for therapy, most depressives need it.
Truly, I feel like MOST people could use at least a little therapy. It helps with self-awareness, which in turn aids how we treat and deal with other people. But depressives? Definitely.
As such, a few rules for finding the right therapist:
1. Do it when you're not depressed. This is huge. And not always possible. But IF it is, if you can start looking at a time when you have the mental resources and the drive to do so, do it. When you're depressed there's almost no way you will find the energy to try different therapists out, find one who actually clicks. Not to mention, figuring out sliding scales, insurance, and other such issues when depressed can be near to/completely impossible.
A sub-rule to this is: Don't quit because you're "feeling better." You're not going to magically decide you feel up to going back when you hit another depressive episode and don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Therapy needs to be established as a regular thing in good periods, so that it carries out through bad periods.
2. Look for professionalism. Yes, this seems obvious, but let me tell you: not so much. For one thing, the top two reasons therapists of all ilk lose their licenses are either breaking confidences or, yup, that oldie but goodie, sleeping with their patients. Get recommendations, find out what reputation the doctor you are looking at has. If you have the slightest inkling something is wrong, get out.
Small story: I once had a therapist who fell asleep in a session. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has a bad day, right? Then he did it a second time. I never returned. Professionalism in therapy means that person is paying complete attention to you. Make sure you feel that way. If you don't, move on.
3. Your therapist should be friendly, but not your friend. Yes, you should be able to call your therapist in an emergency. She should not, however, be the first person you think about calling no matter what happens. What is more, she's not there to just support your feelings. If you're being out of line or doing something stupid? You want her to call you on that. You WANT her to be that objective third-person view on your life, because without that, there's no way for YOU to learn things from her, and in turn, from yourself.
A corollary to this: your therapist should be able to say, "Hey, you need to put yourself in the hospital," and to press the issue if she feels it is necessary.
4. There are a billion and five kinds of therapy, find the one that's going to work for you. Talk therapy not working? Have you tried art therapy? Music therapy? Cognitive behavioral therapy? Those are the three that pop up right off the top of my head. Any quality therapist, if you say, "Hey, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere," will either, a) suggest a different tack to take, or b) suggest a different kind of therapy. Listen and try new things. You never know when you're going to hit that right one.
5. If you feel like there are things you can't tell your therapist, you've got the wrong therapist. I'm dead serious. If you can't talk about that sex dream you had that's freaking you out, or something traumatic from your past, or your "guilty pleasures" with your therapist? Find a new one. A therapist can't help without seeing the things nobody else gets to. That's the whole POINT of a therapist. Feeling like you've got to hold back means you're holding yourself back from whatever your therapy goals are. (And any decent therapist will create goals with you at the outset. They don't have to be quantifiable, but they will be present.)
And this is huge: if at ANY point, you tell your therapist something and feel judged? Run, don't walk. A therapist's job is to take you as you are and help you to be the happiest and most comfortable you can be. Tell your therapist you look at members of the same gender in a sexy way and they suggest religion? Get the hell out. Tell your therapist all you can do when you're at your worst is cry and watch football and they tell you you need more productive hobbies? Pedal to the metal, my friend. Yes, as I said above, it is a therapist's job to tell you when you might need to look at something differently, or interact with someone in a different fashion, etc. It is NEVER their right to judge you, and if that happens? Guess what? You've got the wrong therapist. Get thee a new one, anon.
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